We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all
kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something
a-brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves,
the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those of you who hate pooping
at work, here is the 2001 Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work.
Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure
pleasure.
ESCAPEE
Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal
or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden
wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you
receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release
an ESCAPEE, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you
are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear
it. No one likes an ESCAPEE; it is uncomfortable for all involved.
Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE) Definition: When forcing poop,
several farts slip out at a machine gun's pace. This is usually
a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic,
remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare
everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the
poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed
location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have
just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable
moment if someone walks in. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that
the smell does not exist.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will
often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or
magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE
CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN) Definition: A group of coworkers who band
together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident.
This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET
POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVEN
Definition: A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can
least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the
bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs,
remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid
all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to
alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with
an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS
that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the
pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water.
This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on,
create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the
toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH
with an ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend
extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An
UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should
always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you
as well as the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in,
check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come
back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.