Chapter 1
1. Sag, you're it.
2. Pin the toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Doc Goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee.
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.
10. Musical Recliners.
Chapter 2
"Old" is when....Your sweetie says "Let's go upstairs and make love"
and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
"Old" is when....Your friends compliment you on your new alligator
shoes and you're barefoot.
"Old" is when....A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker
opens the garage door.
"Old" is when....Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"Old" is when....You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long
as you don't have to go along.
"Old" is when....You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead
of the police.
"Old" is when....Getting "a little action" means you don't need to
take any fiber today.
"Old" is when...."Getting lucky" means you find your car in the
parking lot.
"Old" is when....An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.
Chapter 3
Signs of Menopause
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale (hot flashes).
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is
using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just
saying you are not amused, you shoot him. (mood swings)
3. You write post-it notes with your kids' names on them. (memory loss)
4. You husband chirps, "Hi honey, I'm home." And you reply, "Well if
it isn't Ozzie f- - - king Nelson." (irritability)
5. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives
you four hours of decent rest. (sleeplessness)
6. You find guacamole in your hair after a Mexican dinner. (fatigue)
7. You change your underwear after every sneeze. (mild incontinence)
8. You need the Jaws of Life to help you out of your car after
returning from an Italian restaurant. (sudden weight gain)
9. You take a sudden interest in "Wrestlemania". (female hormone deficiency)
10 You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a
field trip to Chippendales. (hormone therapy)