This is an Actual Article from the Los Angeles Times:
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only
trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in
the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his
homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency
treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.
"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil,
in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon', my cue that
he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again,
so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might
attract him." At a hushed press conference a hospital spokesperson
described what happened next.
"The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out
the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face.
It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited
a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out
like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken
nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and
second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.
TOP 10 SCARIEST THINGS ABOUT THIS STORY:
10. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum..." Hello!
9. "...so I peered into the tube..." Aaaaaahhhh! I'm sorry, but that's like
looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare
at the sun.
8. That poor gerbil being shot out of that guy's ass like Rocky the
Flying Squirrel on Rocky and Bullwinkle.
7. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of
someone's anus. I'm just guessing here, but I seriously doubt the said
gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love".
6. People walking around with these volcano-like pockets of gas in their
rectums.
5. People who do this kind of thing & then admit what they were doing
when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up
a story about a gang of raving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into
my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted
the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a
doctor & saying "Well doc, it's like this. See we have this gerbil named Raggot &
we took this cardboard tube..."
4. "First and second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this make
the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does
one ever take a healthy dump after something like this? And the smell of
burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of
God's green earth.
3. People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for "Idiotic
white men who insert rodents up butts."
2. What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference about this?
1. This happened in Salt Lake City? What kind of people are those
Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.