It's incredible what you find at the shallow end of the gene pool!
DARWIN AWARDS are given every year to bestow upon [the remains of]
individuals, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, have done
the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.
1998 DARWIN AWARD RUNNERS-UP:
#1 - LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided
to remove a bees nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a
pineapple. A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive
equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated
to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away
from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window
inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki need
stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital. While walking
towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving
bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and
died of Suffocation enroute to the hospital.
#2 - Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in
Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin,
Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of
Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more
traditional revolver) to Ken's head and fired.
#3 - PHILLIPSBURG, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old male choked
to death on a sequined pastie he had orally removed from an exotic
dancer at a local establishment. "I didn't think he was going to eat it,"
the dancer identified only as "Ginger" said, adding "He was really
drunk."
#4 - In February, according to police in WINDSOR, ONT., Daniel
Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus
earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their
snowmobiles.
#5 - MOSCOW, Russia--A drunk security man asked a colleague at
the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bulletproof vest to
see if it would protect him against a knife attack. It didn't, and
the 25-year-old guard died of a heart wound. (It's good to see the
Russians getting into the spirit of the Darwin Awards.)
#6 - In FRANCE, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when
he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff
and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to
a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He
even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the
pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above
him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The
dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was
dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to a hospital,
where he died of hypothermia.
#7 - RENTON, WASHINGTON, USA. On February 3, 1990, a Renton,
Washington man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his
first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record
of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed below:
1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop.
2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a
substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry
concealed handguns in public places.
3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police
patrol car parked at the front door.
4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter,
having coffee before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer,
the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The
officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene
pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No
one else was hurt.
AND THE 1998 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS..... THOMPSON, MANATOBA, CANADA.
Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was
killed early Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure.
He was apparently attempting to keep warm next to a telecommunications
feedhorn. Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once last
year, according to Northern Manatoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke.
She noted that Baker's earlier infraction was for defeating a safety shutoff
switch and entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in order to stand in
front of the microwave dish. He had told coworkers that it was the only way
he could stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the station, where winter
temperatures often dip to forty below zero. Microwaves can heat water
molecules within human tissue in the same way that they heat food in microwave
ovens. For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a twelve pack of
beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned directly in line with
the strongest microwave beam. Baker had not been told about a tenfold
boost in microwave power planned that night to handle the anticipated
increase in holiday long-distance calling traffic. Baker's body
was discoverd by the daytime watchman, John Burns, who was greeted by
an odor he mistook for a Christmas roast he thought Baker must have prepared
as a surprise. Burns also reported to NMSR company officials hat Baker'
unfinished beers had exploded.